nighthurts

and—fuck—how it is so badly that I want to make everything, beautiful, and okay.

but the black hole approaches now and i have left myself with little defense or weight to stand against it. I know all things done can be undone and all things unmade will soon be made, but this is space and time at the reins, and soon i will forget.

lose in this smile

When I know they are all loved, and they are all happy, and they are all safe—I can lose myself in this smile, just give myself to its infinite arc.

I miss it too

smiles, sunsets, the warmth of breathing. movements in the dark, whispers in the cold, quiet endless beauty. fingers gently across foreheads, coffee and odd socks, toothpaste and jackets. wooden floorboards, huddled in couches, a closeness before dreams. faces turned away, and downcast eyes. hands in the sky, grass and feet and clouds. trickling across book pages, crawling in yellowed glows. the morning coming through those curtains, the solid realisation of skins, the colour of shoulders in the morning, and tangled sheets, and bad hair. spilling secrets, waiting forever.

closer,

It's true, to some extent, but I think it goes to the same vein as the rarity of the brilliant thing. we're always colliding and coming so close to things that feel so loudly like the truth, but then just can't be, but, again, this endless collapse leads to such appreciation and awe for the resonance to come.

don't worry. you are a fathomless soul, and that depth heralds discoveries yet still to flow.

she's wearing my shoes and maybe this is endless, my headphones crack like some sudden horizon, some spark of grace.

I thought of you at this point

I need an editor to build my arm back into its socket. I need a cloud to trick the stars and attics. I would crash my car into the stone wall of your spine, peel your layers from my teeth. I need you to believe in candles, so ugly with your truths, that might listen to blood noses. I need you to want the taste of songs I don't sing, trembling like a leaf.

nothing flux

"We're only breathing to help the trees. I am only ragged, that keeps you clean."

Ian William L.

i've had a few days to retreat, like that is all i remember from before. run whenever you draw close, come apart whenever you get started. and as i do, i can feel the magic hang itself in the air. maps bleeding into each other, thicker than the last, pulling wings from flies like you left me.

i can't force it. i can't do a damn thing.

or i stand up, yell defiance, kindness in hand and knives under the skin. because every moment draws its own rules and requirements, and your form must follow.

i got close and you crushed me. you leaned in on my breathing and i set you aglow, spitting love.

i close my eyes and your moth light remains.

speech