merle

rest in peace, Merlene Margaret Hallett. you were a truly brilliant and loving person and grandma, and all that you gave to the world, how that came to surround you at the end. it makes me so proud to carry on your awkward smile, your love for animals; even a portion of your heart, your steadfast, your compassion. you remain forever, in every memory of my childhood, in every christmas warmth, in every song.

i remember so much that it hurts, sharp burns where you once were. i remember that house, that bedroom. i always terrified of that room, that house, how big and old and alive it came to be. i remember a waterbottle, the teddy bear, the old comics, the garden gnomes, the pictures on mantles. i remember the beltstrap when i wet the bed, but also the biscuit tin when you just wanted me to smile so much, that it meant so much.

i remember the hornet nests, the rocks that only lived in your garden, the reddest sand, the deepest grass near the back fence, the walks down by the river, up the train tracks, always so afraid that a train would come along. i remember the milkbar and how i found two dollars frozen to a popsicle you bought for me. i gave it to the milkbar owner, but he told me to keep it, and you were so proud.

i remember the old couches, the rugs, the paintings, the SEGA, sitting next to you while you played your favourite games, tongue poking out.

i can't write any more. it's breaking me apart.

i wish you could come back, but i will conjure you in me if you can't.