and with those hands

if you learn one thing, it will be that you never ever have to feel sorry for your feelings. your emotions are a fucking triumph to your name, okay? it's only the people who give a shit and catch fucking fire that truly move this planet. we are made to open up and share these things, the stupid smiles and the absolutely seething hatred for those we love. i know everything these days persists to say otherwise, but it's all wrong, and we must set out to fight fucking gravity to prove that. always go the boldest bravest move, whether breaking down or wearing your name.

i must seem incapable of communicating in normal words, but this is just what comes out.

i just: you're protective. me? i am ... i keep a piece of everyone i know. if you mean anything to me, there's already a glint of your colour held deep within me, always. and so the one thing...the absolute thing...when i see the people i love hurt or sad or destroyed, it sets me on fire. i would do anything to take that pain from the people i love, always. so i hate knowing that you carry this sadness, even for a moment.

now, turning to the focal point, i understand how you feel, about friends and relationships. it's one of the hardest changes to deal with. and i know it's a sensitive issue, so i mean, i will say things, but it's by no means telling what you should do to 'fix' yourself - nothing like that, at all. i just want to try to offer the perspective that is hard to find by yourself when you're hurting. unfortunately, as with all overarching themes of balance and change, it will and has to occur. things change, and people do change. people grow and tectonic plates shift in friendships.

i think the most important thing to do when you're sad, especially about friends and 'losing' them, is to maintain very intently the idea that this person has been sad, just like you, that same crushing despair, and now they have a chance to be happy. so whenever i am feeling bad and missing people, i try to remember them sad, destroyed, coming apart. then using this, i can make a little spark, and apply myself fully to saying hello and making sure they're okay and keeping them safe.

outside of that though, as much as sometimes people go too far with new relationships and do tend to draw away from friends, returning to the other idea - balance - it swings both ways. we can distance ourselves in turn and add poison to the mix. but then, at the same time, we're not always perfect. our brain has mapped out a situation, it changes, and we press the disaster button. one fleeting moment, and we're too far into poisonous emotions (fuelled primarily by sadness) to come back from that. we all do it, but not always do we get given the grace to redeem that moment right then. but we retreat, and readjust our heads.

it's a scary thing to face, but it will happen and again, and ultimately, we have to try to remember that the change is ultimately making life a little more bearable for someone else, even if we ourselves suffer silently in response. but then, everything does balance out - it does - it will. so hopefully when the time comes, our friends will in turn understand when we fall into the deep end of love, and we are happy for each others happinesses, keeping each others sadnesses as wards for our own unsettlings.

i know this is a lot of words, and i hope you dont miscontrue any of it. you are one of my favourite people. truly. you have a huge heart, and the fire of truth. and you are beautiful, and not in the way that says we are beautiful for our personalities, either. everyone is truly beautiful, and everyone will look at someone, where other people might not see, and find a monument, a spark, a breath for weary lungs. the length of time differs for everyone, because we all weave our own tapestry of colour and story. how long we wait does not make it any less real, if anything, made infinite, igniting, every day fucking blessed.

i think i am just trying to say, don't be sad. keep every smallest thing possible close - everything to remind you. in the storm, find calm, find landfall, and see every beautiful stupid wretched spinning slowest thing. take it all into your heart and mind and soul and smile. then we can do amazing things and we can keep everyone safe.