somewhere, a violent stopclock

I see my head and try to trap the fire in one room:

1. I am alone.
2. I am always alone.
3. the patterns are too loud.

it is really hot in a burning house. a lot of goodwill goes and is cinders, and a blinding haze of what was kindness. it is against the door, or teeth, or where songs would be beautiful. and an inferno is not like insect legs being pulled off—it kicks.

I am your friend—blaze—I am okay—blaze—I will keep you safe—blaze:

4. breathing does not correct anything.
5. I spoke her name with such ash, choking.

I am sorry. you will go, and look at yourself, and feel sad—I wrought that.

6. I do not want to be alone, but I cannot change my shape to any other.

I will fix it with sulfur, but it burns through even closed eyes, and i fight like a merchant.

I record this as a loss, but so forged with trying.

8.01, p.m. I am unlit.

10.46, p.m. the poison stays, once it starts. I breathe a lot, and try to be calm, but it is always a growing violence. and it is not a fair thing, to be fuel, and every day precariously striking the earth until it catches. I don't want to be different. I never wanted to be this acid slideshow, broken joke, impossible light. I could talk to people, who I think are cute, and they would not try to cut me with their words. I could live one whole day without the chaos plucking at my strings, and how a quiet brain would feel, I have never known.

but I am steeled against this. I record every mood, for those who don't, and who can't see that anyone else hurts like they do. I can't give up, not here, and I rise against—you cannot know the size of hope and where it moves, how close you are.

I remember that it is simple to think yourself someone else, that lightness of being, that you could trade everything and feel happy. but it is easy in the darkness to trade in shadows. when given enough thought, you must also sell your light. and there are so many things that only you can bring to others' lives, however stunted or squinting. so much that i would go on forever to let you know.