speeding. breaking. holding

i want to write a mess, i want to record a blur. is that a colour, or a sound? i want to put structure to today, a paragraph i can punctuate, adequate with pulled skin and shine. i was happy, i am happy, i will be happy. but i want to write a mess.

i think i wrote that arguments and anger build up and i should try to let it go. also, you should try to help. it all gets very confusing and then i catch on fire and i scream and i scream. and i guess i really am not helping. but then, all amounts of anger are misplaced sadnesses, that lost the contents of their pockets, and they really needed those contents... (i also strongly dislike that both happinesses and sadnesses are not words in their own right. i have many happinesses, and many sadnesses. it feels wrong to colour them any other way.)

but if i focus, my sister is sad and angry. i should... i tried to help. then i started to burn up, so i slowed down. she's got fingers in her ears and they are very sharp.

then i thought about different people. or how we are different. i'm still always judging you for being so normal. i feel so badly for that, i keep slowing down. it really doesn't affect me, and noticing that the pattern exists, does not help. so i should just give myself to that particular madness. if you take your shirt off, people will stare at you. if you lose a limb, people will also stare at you.

...but we don't really much listen to anything.

and tonight i wasn't sure what speed i wanted to go along as at all. i think this is just the other half of all my happiness. it swings around and knocks me down and balances out quite nicely. i am in ____. and completely lost. or no, i could not say it was complete. i think i just need to physically touch. otherwise things become ghosts, and then i feel strange. like i am back at the very height of passion, dead on the floor. in love with circuitry, and no more sparks. it's... i am a shark and you hold no more blood. i need your body and your bone. need to know it's all different.

"we'll be breaking hands and holding blankets."