strange warm limbs.

i am not very stable right now, but i think this is okay. i always find my purpose in this state, where i draw special focus on cold feet or how a smile feels. right now i can tell you that it is not a simple feeling, really. it kind of skips within you, draws your elbows inwards, covers it with balled up child hands. a smallest sun inside you wakes up from its infinite hill, with too many trees and oak and shadow things... or how it makes me feel? the smallest sun, child hands, i really do smile and cover at it, such loud uncalculated happiness. i like this smile. can it keep me?

i am not very stable because (and i might use a list. i like lists because they make me feel safe. but i never use them here. i hate so many rules like this.)

1. i keep feeling alone. other people finding someone that makes them less alone, leaves me still alone, or maybe even slightly more alone. this does not mean i am not happy for them, because i truly am. you can only celebrate happiness, not try to tear it down, even if it's not your own. i keep feeling alone. and sometimes music or gym or making lists or staring at the ceiling does not help.

2. i still do not have a full time job. though, this colour of the list is actually a good thing, i think. not the not having, but i have started looking and participating. this means hopefully i will have one soon. then i will be tentatively normal.

3. i always get sad anyway.

4. i thought i had a fourth colour, but i do not, and i really do not like lists with only three colours. they feel messy, and i need my lists to be safe.

i keep drawing inspiration for my book. if a book could be just book titles, i would be very much complete and happy.