first steps from flame

I am tired, so I think I should write. these sleepy secrets, just stop swimming, and escape to the white spaces. so I think I have recovered, and I know I cannot stop. I have been at work, trying to deal with the realities of a noose, that shine of a shoe, loss of skin, patient immolation. and largely, it helps, it stands alongside as gym as a cure, the funnel for the force in my knuckles, crawling up my phrases.

but I can see the problem. I am already weaving this—I should talk about the weather. I should ask you about your siblings, or your thoughts on the economy. it would not make sense, but it would be direct, it would cut. I could step back through the paragraph: I am here. I am fine.

is that why I am strange? I never know. something is wrong. can you see it? when everything feels better when I—I don't know. it feels like a different colour. it is unafraid, it is bold. I am conspiring in your systems, and so very average, dreaming in uppercase.

I am fine. I have got this focus, which is funny, really. everyone needs a focus, and my inspiration, is digital and laughing, is brilliant and fist-first through my headphones. I am smiling, and my feet are cold. but, this focus—you keep your focus in flames, a driving force, for the four winds of change, and calamity.

I lived for love. I lived for colour, for life, for romanticism. or I do—I still do. if you focus enough, it is enough. but see, it is not, and it never is. I am leaking back through. you have to consider all the really unimportant things, and this isn't some twisted acknowledgment, the sleight of hand. but all the unimportant things, are the important things. I live for the unimportant, that really are important, and if you can feel that, you will see that.

I don't feel about a career, but you have to. I don't feel about keeping face, keeping up, doll lies and coffee cups. but then, you have to, and some extent of the rules are important.

I don't know what I am trying to say. I can only think: this is what living like this does.