the first night, when.

the first night with this, that which i should have done a long time ago. i used to keep a journal, back in the day, actively scribbling, to keep the chemicals still. but it has been a good night, if you look at the small things. this is all i can ever do. i did not wound an argument, i kept my head clean, i smiled a lot. i was thinking of chelsea and that makes me happy, i can be better for her. and i made someone else smile a lot, i'm glad i could. that makes me glow.

tomorrow i am restructuring a pattern, gym. it has only been two weeks... holidays. it's fair to call it that. cannot always be perfect, in chaos. but it burns up most of the bad brain.

i know i've said it a lot, but i really believe. if i could just organise a neat structure of work, then i would be really happy right now. they could leave me alone, because i was not a complete failure, afterall. because things they do not understand are doomed to the rocks. which makes me think of brand new. (and i will listen.)

so, keep cleaning, cut it all neat. there is beauty, but i do need to move forward. small life is not maintained forever.