I feel so...

i am listening to the receiving end of sirens, the earth sings Mi Fa Mi. i feel calm, like a little colour could be growing here. i can't keep the structure though, so i have to burst out. i don't know how to deal with anyone seeing what i write. my anxieties flare up, and i retreat to some awkward stance, a shadow stepping through the tenses. and even though you're just eight eyes, who probably don't even see this, i feel crippled again. between what i want to say, and ... i don't know. a nameless torrent. an oubliette strung along my jaw. stop, start, sever. because i want to be heard...

there are so many fears and questions, and structures of reaction. i wonder things that aren't... a complex series of circles, struggling. like how I should be like everyone else. or i should know who i am, and brave my name. how i should be happy or sad or angry or the correct emotion for an incorrect situation. i wanted to be angry, i was angry, but that is ridiculous. i get sad, and i have no right. i'm happy, she said i was always happy.

i was thinking that the one thing that makes me the saddest in the world is when someone in my family is sad. i can't think about it. it's crushing.

i was thinking the powers that someone holds. that someone who studies our sleeping patterns, and how they make us who we are. just thinking how much power they have.

i was thinking... a blur. i have lost this thought.

and i won't be your babylon, i'll never fall for this.