things to make and do

i guess this is why we get upset. beyond the ideals of balance, the black and white of life. soon as we're finished the race, we're pointless. the sun is shining and i am happy and i am pointless. that beautiful silence becomes stifling. like i should be rising up violently, screaming anything. we need to be shitty and wracked and climbing the spire. or i guess i've never understood silence, beyond the slowness and the smile that creates it. it stays and i want to destroy it. it's suddenly unkind and wounding me with those eyes and that breath. i don't like silence, i don't like stopping.

so i'm always composing these lists. little things to keep my arms at length (i now know how the girl with the bad cheques felt.) that i need to go to gym, that i need a new job, that i need to put my head through the glass. the cycle... a lot of things... the balance of all.

do other people just stop? i honestly don't know. i can stand still, i can be stilled, but if i stop, i fall off the planet...

i think i'm not used to having such a stable happiness to fall back on. i can recover in a single night, so i have to keep falling. do i?

ridiculous. i feel a guilt in saying so early, that i am happy, that i am defiantly wrong. that i do not know.